WE MUST ALL DO OUR PART

All of us have experienced pivotal moments in life that have taught us important lessons. Passing along and passing down these lessons is how humanity has evolved over history and improved our condition.

Hence's it's important that I do my part and contribute to humanities evolution and the human condition...

1. Never pick your nose while eating buffalo wings or while dicing jalapeño peppers, it is a very serious sanitary offence of a first-class felonious degree. The consequences of such an offence will lead to an embarrassing, immediate summons of justice and stinging, cruel and unusual punishment.

2. When planning any DIY project, always calculate amount of time you think the job will take and multiply that by three (3), because that will be the actual amount of time the project will take. Rummaging for the correct tools and attachments, rifling through your drawers and bins dredging for the correct bolt, screw, nail, nut, fitting, washer, gasket, anchor, union, hinge, bracket, or whatever $.05 trinket drove you to embark on that inevitable journey, is extremely time consuming, psychologically torturous, and a significant trigger of severe emotional episodes. The unexpected trips to the supply store are also time killers because you broke it, ran out of this, didn’t buy enough that, purchased the wrong those, lost all of these, or killed the fucking fucks. And, of course, the delay that will be caused when your buddy asks to reschedule on the day you had planned for him to help you lift, hold, move, load, haul, feed, clear, connect, raise, lower, or whatever that four-handed task required. AGAIN, THE AMOUNT OF TIME YOU THINK THE JOB WILL TAKE X 3 = THE ACTUAL AMOUNT OF TIME THE JOB WILL TAKE

3. When heading to the restroom to take number two, before dropping your drawers and taking a seat, check the toilet paper level but, more importantly, never forget your cell phone.

4. Never expect a courtesy call from a family member who’s planning to visit your house. The unexpected knock at your front door from your mother, sister, brother and or father, always followed by the innocent words:

o ‘Oh, did I get you at the wrong time’,

o ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were busy’,

o ‘I’ll just be a minute’,

o ‘I was just passing by’,

Just accept that, according to your family and despite being an adult, your home’s front door is the same to them as your former bedroom door was when you were a child. This is a premeditated, privileged liberty we all take to snoop, surprise, irritate, impose, catch, test, tease, or laugh at the ones we love. Hence, it’s perfectly okay to get irritated and plan your payback.

5. If it’s been 10 years since your last high school class reunion, be proactive and become your class hero. Download the Avery nametag template, grab your yearbook, input and print a name tag for each classmate to bring along. Upon arrival, insist that a mandatory name tag rule be imposed for all attendees, that have the maiden names of all married females. If, during the first day of festivities the organizers have scheduled the game “guess who the fuck I am" and have procured a creative array of prizes, then save the labels for the next day’s luncheon and bingo game.  

6. NEVER, EVER shave your private parts, for several reasons.

o   It’s not appealing, nor arousing.

o   Stubble rash isn’t only caused by kissing. Stubble is only acceptable on a man’s face, a woman’s legs, or under her pits. A Smooth woman is always preferred.  

o   Nicks and cuts to the pleasure areas can be painful, and irritating, causing enough discomfort to render them ‘out of order’, or ‘off limits’ for an indeterminant period. This can be frustrating and grow even more frustrating depending on the length it takes to heal, not only for you but also your partner.    

o   If the length and density of your bushy bushes become overwhelming, a little ‘trim’, or ‘sculping’ is acceptable, not too much, only enough to improve its appearance. Maintaining its texture and softness is the goal. A lush, beautiful landscape is desirable and inhabitable, while a barren sandy desert is not fit for humanity.

o   During life’s later stages, if you are bothered by the grey, again no shaving, hair dyes work just fine but only if you’re single and looking to mingle. If not, get over it because your spouse knows your anatomy better than you and won’t be fooled.

o   IF, and I mean only IF, you have a daredevil gene in your DNA and are uncontrollably and pathologically driven to experience the kink and thrill undertaking this stunt, make the most of it and do not go solo. You must find a likeminded daredevil, wildly attractive beyond belief, to partner with in this crazy antic.

Growing older, we can all look forward to basking in the resplendent admiration and reverent respect of those we’ve reared, of those reared by those we’ve reared, and if we’re lucky, of those reared by those reared by those we’ve reared and is one of life’s greatest rewards.